1. Lilly: Thanks for explaining that. I get so confused!
Barney: That’s because you’re a woman!
Lilly: I don’t even know why we’re laughing!
Barney: Of course you don’t!
–How I Met Your Mother
2. FOX News Reports woman calling to report drunk driver:
“Somebody’s really drunk driving down Granton Road,” said a woman to 911 dispatcher.
Trying to determine the location of the reported drunk driver, the dispatcher asked the woman: “Okay are you behind them, or…”
“No, I am them,” said the woman.
(courtesy of foxnews.com)
3. Jack (Alec Baldwin): “That’s what I’m talking about: human empathy. It’s as useless as the Winter Olympics…this February on NBC.”
4. Pam: Why did I get in the car? I could have struggled. I have a whistle in my purse; I didn’t even blow it.
5. Meredith: Hey everybody, he’s not in the men’s room, but the seat was warm so we might have just missed him.
6. Mike: Honey, let her have her lies. Let her plot. You got nothing to worry about. You mean everything to me and Katherine means nothing.
Susan: Well, that’s sweet. I’m gonna go tell her you said that.
7. Jeff: The next person that offers me pity will be mentioned by name in my suicide note
8. Rachel [on Defying Gravity]: It’s my go-to shower song. It’s also my ring tone.
9. Silver: Can we talk about something not cancer related?
Teddy: I’m using a new hair product. What do you think?
10. Naomi: Why weren’t you at school today?
Adrianna: Because I’m a terrible person.