Hey! So if you can’t tell by reading it, this was written back in December, but I forgot to post it. But better late than never, right? So please, no comments about how this is old news and irrelevant, unless you are extremely passionate about timeliness. Sorry again for the wait.
Ridiculous nicknames keep friendships alive. Would I still be besties with my bestie if I didn’t call him bestalicious? I think not. Would Vatina and I have ever become friends if I hadn’t started calling her Va-Thai Food? Well, it’s possible. Graceface, Walkiepoo, Double D (which is my mom’s nickname…don’t ask), and I are closer than ever! -B.R.
Fat suits suck. When I first found out I would have to wear one for the Winter Play (Dec. 10-12, just sayin’), I was totally psyched! I was completely ready to be “large and in charge.” Now, after spending a mere two hours a day in one for only four days, I want to ceremonially burn it. Not only can I barely fit into chairs, my castmates have taken to calling me “tubby.” And just in case you are wondering, yes, it is possible to get a fat suit wedgie. And it is NOT pleasant. -B.R.
Double-fleece blankets are so easy to make! Take two pieces of fleece, cut the edges, tie them together, and voila! The comfiest, warmest, overall best blanket I have ever owned! Not only do I want to make one for all of my friends, I want to make one for everyone I know and remotely like! -B.R.
Tiger Woods, that was a classy move you pulled there. Sneaking out in the middle of the night to see one of your multiple mistresses and running into a fire hydrant and a tree. Wow. James Bond you are not. Oh, and what’s the difference between an SUV and a golf ball? Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 300 yards! Hey-o! -B.R.
New Moon, not too shabby. When I saw the train wreck that is Twilight, I did not have high hopes for you. Let’s be honest here: Twilight was not a drama, it was a romantic comedy. And by that I mean it was cheesy and over-the-top and the “intensity” was laughable. And I mean, hey, you still weren’t as good as say, the Harry Potter movies, but good effort. Pretty fast-paced, and you made the whole “Edward is gone my life is over” portion bearable. And Taylor Lautner shirtless did not hurt. In fact, I would say it helped. A lot. Just saying. -B.R.
People who told me there would be a snow day, ice day, whatever day, why did you have to get my hopes up? Did you not read my previous post about dream-crushers? Even worse than your generic stomp-on-your-hopes DC is the advanced form: that little trickster who convinces me that my dreams will come to fruition, only to have them snatched away! Not cool, guys. Not cool. -B.R.
The Winter Play is awesome! And hilarious! And I’m in it and subsequently I am shamelessly plugging it! Do you know how much I like the winter play? I walked around the cafeteria fourth hour and asked random strangers what they were doing this weekend, and as they stared at me like I had a horn growing out of my forehead, I casually suggested they attend the winter play! So: funny, awesome, I’m in it. What more do you need to convince you to come? Note: This was written before winter play was over. I realize that, yes, it is now over and you cannot come see it. However, I will say that if you didn’t see it, you missed out. -B.R.
Snow is not hot (haha get it? Because it is literally not hot). The only good part of snow is snow days, and as I previously mentioned, THAT didn’t happen! As a student who walks to and from school every day, I would like to clarify that there is nothing magical and wonderful about walking in a winter wonderland. And when I did try to drive somewhere, guess who spent 20 minutes scraping a foot of snow off of her windshield? That was fun. -B.R.
SNL was actually funny this week (I know, I’m just as shocked as you are!). Not going to lie, I fast forwarded through all of Rihanna’s performances. But Blake Lively as Tiger Woods’ PO’d wife? Classic. -B.R.
Doing Adopt-a-Child with three classes is breaking my wallet. I’m serious. Does anyone want to buy me lunch tomorrow? -B.R.
Old ladies who use Christmas jokes to make fun of me I’m feeling like a total Scrooge this year. I’m very bitter, and only the presents of Christmas will perk me up. I still believe in the “Christmas spirit,” but I’m pretty sure that spirit dies when you become a senior citizen. Freshman year: I’m showing off my new knee socks (from Clandestine Industries) to my BFF, Kelly Ahlman. I was wearing a denim mini skirt, and was taking great pains to keep it at a decent length…then one of the security women passed by and said, “What are YOU asking Santa for? The rest of that skirt?” Um, ouch. Ahlman burst out laughing and I buried my face in my hands. Then last night at work, an old lady was making a complicated return. I went to ask a co-worker about it, and when I came back the lady expressed her gratitude that “the lightbulb had come on before Christmas.” Bah humbug, ladies: bite me. -K.R.M.
Friends who drive you to school in the mornings Yes, I live about a block away from school. But guess what? I need a ride in the winter. It’s as simple as this: my neighbors do not awaken at 5:00am thinking, “Oh, I better go clear that black ice off of my sidewalk for poor little Kelly Rose, who walks to school!” HORROR STORY: In sixth grade I was running to the bus stop (late, again) when I totally slipped on ice and landed straight on my tailbone. My whole bus saw, and continued watching as I tried to jam my foot into my shoe, which had flown off during my fall. Not only did my tailbone ache all day (especially when I had to run in gym), but when I had slipped, I squashed my brown-bag lunch. Once I got on the bus, I put my bag on my lap. It wasn’t until I got to school that I realized that my blue Kool-Aid Jammer had leaked all over my khaki pants…looking like I had peed blue urine on myself. And then something happened to my math book…Anyways, I have Vatina drive me to school now. God bless her. -K.R.M.
My family teasing me over my hats Whenever I wear something zany to school, I get random people who come up to me and say “I could never pull that off.” Well, yes you can. Um, did you SEE to me last year? When I came to school dressed in hobo-couture? It wasn’t even “comfort over style” as much as “I am too lazy to do anything but put on a hoodie.” Look how far I have come! I wear camis and earrings now! And, I don’t know if you recall, but I came to school a few weeks ago wearing a fake (but very real-looking) MUSTACHE. If I can do that and not get that crap beat out of me, then by God, you can wear some fuschia tights! (*Exception – my family teases me over my hats every time I wear one. For example, my “old lady hat.” It’s VINTAGE, people! Reminiscint of the roarin’ 20s, maybe, but still CLASSY.) -K.R.M.
Lady Gaga: For those of you who only listen to her radio singles, I suggest “Speechless” and “Brown Eyes.” Give them a try. They are just as catchy as her other songs, with less “techno” and more showcasing of her vocals/songwriting. Fashion-challenged she may (willingly) be, but you can tell she takes her music seriously. And that merits some respect. -K.R.M.
Parents who talk to you while they know you’re distracted I love how parents start talking at you when they know you’re on the computer or reading a book, and then yell at you later when you don’t remember what they said. First, you must get my attention so my brain can encode your words, mother! If it is not encoded, I can not store the information, or retrieve it later! AP Psych has proved this! -K.R.M.