Hot or Not?
This new addition to the Prospector is written by a pair of witty, snarky and VERY opinionated girls (KellyRose McAleer and Beth Rowe). We’ll let you know what’s hot or not in pop culture, current events and in real life, and why it’s hot or not. This list will be updated regularly, and if you want us to comment on something particular, e-mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org. Note: The Hot or Not list may be labeled under “hot.” Not to brag, or anything
- Paula Deen: Although you exude southern comfort and sweetness, cut back on the butter, Paula, or you wont be on TV much longer. Like that time you used 12 sticks of butter in a cake!…just kidding. But in all seriousness, you are a bad influence on my dad! If you could see the way he slathers butter on his bread, you would be proud, but I am horrified! And if thousands of Americans spontaneously die of heart attacks, I am looking at YOU.
- “Paranormal Activity”: Could be this decade’s “Blair Witch Project,” (aka The Scariest Movie of the Decade) according to critics. On the other hand, Playboy Bunny Bridget from “The Girls Next Door” twittered, “My palms were sweating with anticipation and nervousness throughout Paranormal Activity. Unfortunately, it never paid off…Not too scary. A lot of people in the theater were REALLY scared: jumping and screaming but I think a lot of this movie is hype. I wasn’t scared.” Maybe the fear factor just went over her head…?
Heidi Klum changing her last name, to take on her husband Seal’s? To become “Heidi Samuel”?? At least people recognize YOUR last name, Heidi! Seriously Heids, be a hardxcore feminist and make him change HIS name to “Seal Klum”! I definitely didn’t know Seal had a last name. Seal is the male equivilant of Cher: we don’t know your last name and we don’t need to know, it’s just a formality for lawyers and the cops. Whatevs.
- Nicole Kidman goes back to her natural hair color: That’s right, Nicole. Now you are my idol times two. Ginger representation!! Lord knows you looked like a ghost with your white skin and practically-white hair. Not a good look my darling, but now that you are back to your natural roots, maybe Beth will learn to respect us redheads and finally call off the event she has been planning: “Ginger Hunt ’09.”
- Paparazzi: “Jon and Kate + 8” Edition: The coverage of them was nice when they were a low-key and drama free family. Eight cute kids who are the product of a child-loving and happy couple? Sure, I’ll watch that. But now? I’ve got my OWN family drama, I dont want to hear about YOURS! Your TV show was supposed to be a relief from real life!! And really, Jon? Man whore much? If little Collin is influenced by you and grows up to be a “playa,” America will have your HIDE.
- Elizabeth Taylor: Her eyes are violet!! I’m not sure what else I can say. Purple eyes. Eyes purple. All natural!
- Mischa Barton’s appearance: Why do I always look at pictures of you and get the impression that you’re seriously ill? IDK what it is about you, but something is screaming “I am not healthy!” Get that checked out, man. Put some life in your hair…or eyes…
- Kim Kardashian’s appearance: That girl has recently been wielding some WICKED-cool eyeliner. And anyone who knows me knows how much I appreciate skilled eyeliner…you go, Kim. http://www.stylelist.com/beauty/beauty-basics/stars-in-eyeliner?icid=main|main|dl3|link7|http%3A%2F%2Fwww.stylelist.com%2Fbeauty%2Fbeauty-basics%2Fstars-in-eyeliner
- David Letterman’s affair: thanks for telling us, Letterman. Hearing that you had an affair with a staff member is #3 on my “Top 10 Things I Never Ever Wanted to Know About David Letterman”
- Cougars: If old men can carry young, boxum blondes on their arms than why can’t women? Admittedly Linda Hogan’s affair with a young man that is her son’s age is gross, but COUGAR POWER to all of the women out there who just want a young man to appreciate them. Men having been dating women half their age since at least the 16th century. It is definitely time to get femme fatale.
- Disney animated movies: Although Disney movies come jam-packed with fun songs and good morals, they are still an awful influence. Why? Because they made the little girl inside me wait for the movie-perfect moment when my own Prince Charming would come. And I waited. And waited. Still waiting…and now I am reduced to a searching for him on Facebook. You can bet Ariel never had to deal with this crap.
- Fight Club: The first rule of Fight ClubFight Club –you do not talk about Fight Club. The second rule of Fight Club–YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!!! Not only does it star two major hotties (Brad Pitt and Edward Norton), it is simply the most intense movie I have seen in my life. If you have not already checked it out, please do so.
- Radio: I am so sick of the radio. If its never-ending stream of male enhancement advertisements weren’t enough to push me over the edge, its complete lack of originality in song choice does it. If I wanted to hear the same five songs over and over again, I would just listen to a CD on repeat. In fact, that may be preferable seeing as how I wouldn’t have to hear all of the call-ins from the ignorant people who tune in to these radio stations. Even when I hear a song that I love, it comes with a bitter aftertaste; once a song becomes popular, I know that it will be replayed and replayed until it has been so thoroughly beaten to death that its only a shell of its former awesomeness. Take a little advice from me and burn some CDs or plug in your iPod — save yourself the misery.
- Knitting: It is so not for grandmas anymore! It is easy and very relaxing, not to mention jam-packed with cool! And for you naysayers out there, let me ask you this: do you know how to make your own Gryffindor scarf? Oh, yeah. I do, suckas!
- Jillian Michaels: Her video tapes are the worst gym experience I have to date, and that includes puking after the 12-minute run sophomore year. Not only does she spend half the time talking about how you can’t get amazing abs like hers without “earning them,” I don’t see her earning anything except a large slap from the other fitness instructors doing all of the work while she gabs about fitness. Kay thanks.
- Nerds: Attention all nerds: your time has come. Not only has your sense of fashion gone from downright ridiculous to fashionable, it turns out that some people now value a sexy brain over a slammin’ bod! So feel free to poindexter it up, ’cause we like it!
- Fall weather: Usually, I am the type who loves fall weather. All I want to know is why–why did fall come so soon and suddenly? I had to scrape frost off of my windshield the other morning. Frost! I enjoy a cup of hot cocoa as much as your average kid, but I think we need to tone it down a notch, okay Mother Nature? Too soon.
- Muse: Have you ever listened to Muse? I mean, besides that one song that was in Twilight (It’s called “Supermassive Black Hole” in case you didn’t know)? As a fairly recent convert to the Matthew Bellamy fangirl cult, I highly recommend you check out Muse’s killer guitar solos and crazy-good falsetto descants, especially in Black Holes and Revelations. You will not be disappointed. Personal recommendation: “Map of the Problematique” or “Starlight.”
- Calculus: I cannot even begin to describe how much I loathe you. I mean, limits? I don’t even know what a limit is, let alone whether it exists or not. Why must you torture me?
- Spelling and Grammar: Now, I know I am going to be absolutely nailed if I misspell a single word in this blog, but this needs to be said. I do not care that you are online and you feel that your ability to use a keyboard has given you some sort of creative license. The fact that we live in the technologically-obsessed 21st-century does not mean that it is socially and grammatically acceptable for you to hack up the English language in any sort of random pattern that seems fitting to you. Learn to type like a human being.
- Bon Bons: Thank you, French students, for selling me Bon Bons. They are deliciously horrible for me, and that unhealthy little extra rush of sugar really peps me up. And I find the fact that I could probably finish one package in about thirty seconds flat impressive rather than disgusting.
Anna Paquin is my not-so-secret and awkward girl crush. She rocked as ‘Rogue’ in the “X-Men” movies, and was adorable in “Fly Away Home,” a movie about a little girl who shows the ducks she adopted how to fly south. (It’s cooler than it sounds; Anna has an awesome accent and flys a giant bird-like machine). On “True Blood,” the show that won her an Emmy, she speaks with a delightful southern accent, and, oh yeah – she won her first Oscar when she was just 11 years old. Good game, Anna.
KR’s self-esteem has plummeted as of late. See: Hammer’s insulting abilities.
Hammer’s insulting abilities – When your reading partner (*cough, Mike Hammersley!*) picks up your poetry assignment and says “I’m going to read to you like you’re a kindergartner,” I applaud you for not bursting out into tears. I did.
Kanye West, were you drunk at the V.M.A.’s? I heard you were. I hope you were, for Tay Swift’s sake. Drunk or not, “how could you be so heartless? …how could you be so Dr. Evil?” Crazyface!
Phineas and Ferb is the only show on Disney worth watching. I have been teased for being so enthusiastic about this show. Who doesn’t love watching kids getting into some shenanigans? Especially when those kids actually have brains, teamwork, and their shenanigans include building a monster truck arena, making “Swinter” (aka summer warmth + winter’s snow), and writing a hit single, “Gitchie Gitchie Goo” before lunch? And did I mention these two have a pet platypus who is a secret agent against the evil Dr. Doofenshmirtz? But the best part by far is Ferb’s British accent.
My little siblings (as sports fans) My little brother cheers for the Pittsburgh Steelers, even when they’re playing the Chicago Bears. My little sister (who is 12 years old and should know better) claims to be a huge Yankees fan. WHERE is the hometown loyalty? (Yeah, I’m looking at all of you Packers fans…especially YOU cousin Jeremy). Intervention?
Self-defense, or whatever they’re calling it this year. Learning Martial Arts? More like wrestling-my-best-friend-to-the-ground class. Whoever wrestled the other person and pinned them won, and go to announce their victory by yelling, “PWNED!” Oh and I got to pretend to be a creeper and whisper, “I’m so lonely…” while trying to grab and “abduct” Vatina. Good times.
The Vampire Diaries (as books) – Just go read the review on these books. Hint: I don’t like them. They were cheesy and cliché … oops, that’s basically the review. True story.
Ninjas – Ninjas are cool. Infinitely cooler than you, infinitely cooler than me. And they don’t let you steal their cool moves because YOU CANNOT SEE THEM. Just try to beat that. Oh yeah, it’s impossible.
High School Musical 1, 2, and 3 – The Wildcats’ time has come and gone…and I’m pretty sure it was halfway through the first movie. “Oh, poor me, I don’t know whether I want to be a singer or not. I know what I should do…sing about it!” Yeah. That makes sense, you synthesizer-voiced high school clichés.
30 Rock – How could you possibly just love watching The Office and not stick around to watch 30 Rock? What is wrong with you? On The Office, obviously Michael Scott is hilarious and outlandish. On 30 Rock, every single character is a complete nutcase, and it’s genius.
Ricky Martin – Please stop resurfacing in pop culture. There was a reason why we kicked you out in the first place.
Vampires – For whatever reason, people are really excited by the idea of blood-drinking dead guys. Particularly when they are sparkly. *Omigod, fangirl squeal!* P.S. Robert Pattinson is not a vampire, he is an ACTOR. Just saying.
Beth and KR’s grades – Maybe we should try doing homework, just occasionally, just to switch it up. We should probably look into studying for our tests, or getting to class on time every day, instead of begging our moms to let us sleep in. Perhaps, instead of staying up until midnight looking at Texts From Last Night or listening to music, we could try going to bed. Just a thought.
How I Met Your Mother – Quite possibly the funniest show that CBS has created. Ever. I cannot explain how wonderful it is to watch something on that network that isn’t total crap.
College Applications – How do you expect me to summarize my life in 250 words? Why do you need to know these things about my parents? Do you even read this stuff? Would you notice if I just wrote something else, something that doesn’t make me want to bang my head against the desk? Why are you doing this to me? Why why why?
House – A show about doctors that isn’t written like a soap opera? Hallelujah. It’s a miracle. Plus, the actor who plays Dr. House, Hugh Laurie, is a total babe, even to teenage girls. Well, to us, at least. It makes limping with a cane so much more attractive.
Facebook – You wonderful little time-waster, you. Without you, how would I be able to find out the relationship statuses of people that I barely know? Thank you for helping me avoid my homework time after time.
Kristen Stewart – Do they write your uncontrollable stuttering into the script, or are you just going for the dramatic effect in “Twilight?” Perhaps your “I just stuck my head into the blender” haircut is making a statement. Oh I get it, you did it for a movie. But here is my response to that: Who would hire you for a movie? Like, as an actress? Because last time I checked, your only two facial expressions are depressed and constipated.
HBO is not afraid to cast hunks from across the ocean in the shows – from England, Australia, New Zealand, even Sweden! American is so last year anyways. Just because they’re HBO, they can show whatever they want on television. But instead of buying into the “sex sells” market, these bad boys fill their shows, such as “Big Love,” “Generation Kill,” and “True Blood” with great plots, personal characters…and, well, some sex. Just consider it the “Disney Channel” for teenagers