The Five Best Commercials of Super Bowl LVI

With the historic victory of my beloved Rams in Super Bowl LVI, the only way I can think of to celebrate this momentous occasion for the people of Los Angeles is by giving even more attention to already-overhyped event. Due to the request of absolutely no one, I’m going to count down the five best commercials of tonight’s game, and while pickings may have been slim this year, that didn’t stop some from rising to the top of the propagandized pile. 

Amidst the sea of generic trash, self-congratulatory electric car commercials and overly-indulgent crypto ads, there were in fact a handful that distracted me from the fact that I was sitting down on the couch for the sole purpose of being marketed to. Without that, I would be forced to contemplate the lonely reality of my existence, and besides, we needed a few breathers in between all of the fantastic plays made by Matthew Stafford and the Rams.

5. Colin Jost and Scarlett Johansson Alexa Ad: While this may be a rather unoriginal addition to a completely unoriginal list, watching two celebrities engaging in hilarious hijinks as they have their minds read by a robotic assistant did a fantastic job of making me forget the existential dread I should feel while watching a robot read the thoughts of humans. Aside from that, Colin Jost will always be enough to draw me into any piece of media, no matter how shoddy (trust me: I even watched the “Tom and Jerry” movie).

4. Ewan McGregor’s Expedia Ad: In a game otherwise littered with lifeless, samey commercials for cryptocurrency, Ewan McGregor’s Expedia ad managed to give me a momentary heart attack before immediately rejecting all semblance of crypto-ism in favor of telling everyone to just … go to a beach. And as I sit here writing my opinions on shameless corporate promotions, it’s comforting to know that at least someone has their priorities in order.

3. Paul Rudd and Seth Rogen’s Lays Ad: For all my incredibly forced self-awareness, even I am not immune to the power of Paul Rudd. Even for something as mundane as Lays, Paul Rudd’s handsome mug succeeded in making me crave that delicious crunch almost as much as I crave that man’s chiseled facial structure. 

2. Liquid Death Ad: Nothing will ever make me feel more alive than witnessing children seemingly drinking alcohol en masse. Even though it was clear after just a few seconds that the cans were just water, I am eternally grateful to whoever concocted this commercial, as it was the only time I felt any genuine emotion while watching the game (outside of burning my tongue on a pizza puff).

1. Guy Fieri’s Bud Light Seltzer Ad: Well, this is it. We as a society have collectively reached the peak of evolution, and there is no way to convince me otherwise. We have, with our very own eyes, been privileged enough to feast upon the greatest sight known to man: Flavortown. The surprise reveal of Guy Fieri in an otherwise-innocuous Bud Lite Seltzer commercial made me jump out of my chair and fall on my knees before the television as I sat awestruck in the presence of such majesty. In mind, there is no Super Bowl next year, or any year for that matter. There is no more reason to work, live or die anymore. I personally plan on fasting in my bedroom and reflecting on that which we have seen and heard on this day, and I suggest you do the same. In conclusion: thank you Guy, for all you’ve done. Your contributions to society will never, nor could they ever be, forgotten. This commercial was, in the immortal words of Guy, “Capital T tasty!”