Zombies. The cornerstone of every successful horror movie, TV show, video game and thing ever.

Could you survive a zombie apocalypse? No. Absolutely not. Nada. As much as we all like to think so, a week into the apocalypse we’d all be pale, rotting and starved of a thick, juicy brain.

If we want to keep our cranium, limbs and tan lines, we’re gonna need some backup. Luckily, I know a few guys…

These are my picks for the best zombie-slayers in all the realms (well, video game realms, that is) to protect me from the apocalypse, while I likely hide in a corner somewhere far, far away.

1. Crazy Dave (Plants vs. Zombies)

You know how your parents always used to tell you that eating your fruits and veggies would make you big and strong? You see, this is actually a very common misconception.

The plants don’t make you strong, the plants are strong. 

The man who deals you these zombie-killings sprouts is none other than Crazy Dave, who is, in fact, quite crazy.

His motives? Tacos. The pot on his head? For protection AND cooking tacos. The reason he has a Time Machine van in the second game? So he can re-eat a taco he had five seconds ago. He’s really not that complicated of a character.

As the zombies’ attacks get more aggressive, your plants are always one step ahead. There’s the family of peashooters, who, get this, shoot peas. 

There’s the mushroom family for night defense, the catapult family for roof defense, and the “overpowered versions of other plants” family that Crazy Dave sketchily sells out of the back of his car (no, not the Time Machine one).

Why? Because he’s CRAAAAZY!!!!

*cough cough* Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.

Even if the plants do most of the heavy lifting, Crazy Dave’s experience in botanic-based warfare is the best defense you could ask for.

2. Frank West (Dead Rising)

Let’s play a game of “spot the difference.” Here are the primary weapons used in some of the most popular zombie games. 

Resident Evil: Guns 

Dead Space: Guns

The Last of Us: Guns

Dead Rising: Literally anything you can find in a mall the size of the state of Texas

Left 4 Dead: Guns

Now if you look very, very closely, you can actually see that Dead Rising has a slightly different approach to weapon design.

Frank West doesn’t restrict himself to guns and baseball bats, instead he’ll use anything, and I really do mean anything as a weapon.

Benches, TV’s, water guns, giant teddy bears, cash registers, frisbees, gum ball machines, traffic cones, if you can find it in a shopping mall, Frank has used it as a weapon.

But Frank’s arsenal isn’t dependent on whatever the hell he can get his hands on, he can also perform dozens of goofy wrestling moves and attacks.

A couple of my favorites are the double lariat, where Frank sticks his arms out in a T-pose and spins around as fast as he can, the zombie ride, where Frank crowd surfs over a group of zombies, and the face crusher, which is exactly what it sounds like.

Even if he might take some less-than-favorable photos for his dying photojournalism job or brag about the wars he’s covered (very original reference, I know), Frank is a uniquely essential piece to the team.

3. Leon Kennedy (Resident Evil)

You wanna know what’s scarier than zombies? More terrifying than the undead? More bed-wetting than any cranium-chomper ever could be?

The controls of the Resident Evil games (insert super scary jumpscare noise).

In Resident Evil you play as Frank’s more successful cousin, Leon Kennedy, and walk around like a broken robot with the worst camera angles I’ve ever been cursed with adapting to.

It’s annoying. It’s fun. And it’s somehow still kinda scary.

Well, only scary for me, apparently, because Leon has some of the biggest balls in anything, ever. 

He doesn’t just kill your typical everyday zombie, he’s killed giants, sea monsters, weird half-spider half-human cult leaders, anything to save Ashley Graham, a.k.a the president’s daughter, a.k.a someone who could rival Princess Peach and Elise with the amount of times she gets kidnapped.

In his dark, gruesome situation, filled with zombies, monsters and other ungodly creatures, Leon maintains a surprisingly optimistic attitude with his corny-as-hell one-liners, which are as reassuring as they are stupid.

After his debut game, Resident Evil 2, Leon must’ve picked up some acrobatic tricks from, like, Sonic or something, because the stunts he pulls off in RE4 range from unnecessary to incomprehensible.

Like the lazer hallway. Remember that quick time event? Press two buttons on your controller and watch Leon do the craziest series of movements known to man. If not, look it up. Your mind will be blown and you’ll get the sudden urge to start practicing aerobics.

Leon really is the complete package, and that’s without mentioning his skills in weaponry, mainly guns, guns, guns, and occasionally even guns.

4. John Marston (Red Dead Redemption: Undead Nightmare)

You probably haven’t heard of it, but there’s this obscure, little game called Red Dead Redemption 2.

It got panned in reviews and sold a total of four copies worldwide, shutting down the infamously terrible studio Rockstar Games.

Before this unanimously agreed upon trainwreck of a game released, there was the first Red Dead Redemption game, which was equally terrible.

Between these two games, though, DLC was made for the first game that added zombies, officially making the franchise good.

The star of this undead-ridden western world is John Marston, a cowboy who, after finally rescuing his family from the captivity of the government, immediately has  them get turned into zombies themselves.

Determined to find a cure for his loved ones, John sets out to discover the cause of the infection, as well as a way to prevent it from spreading further.

Pretty sympathetic backstory, right? It’s definitely more complicated than Leon’s “Save annoying girl” or Crazy Dave’s “Me need taco,” although not even John’s determination can match Frank’s pure dedication to getting “the scoop.”

Even if we already have more … well, insane characters on the team, John shows his worth through being a nice contrast to the crazies.

Red Dead 1 is a very grounded game. TThere are barely any supernatural elements, which makes sense for a game that’s trying to be a realistic portrayal of the wild west.

But I guess Rockstar was sick of making “real life simulators,” because they poured all of their crazy ideas into Undead Nightmare.

Obviously there’s the whole “undead” thing going on with the zombies, but the game’s cast is now pushed to their limits. We get to see how well-established characters change when dealing with the crisis, often being much more brutal than their original personalities.

There’s also, like, Bigfoot and unicorns and stuff, so … yeah. There’s a lot of weird stuff going on.

The only one not being affected by all of the hell around him is John, whose dedication to saving his family somehow overrules any potential insanity. He’s truly the ultimate straight man.

But keeping his cool isn’t the only thing John brings to the table. Guns are an unreliable weapon due to ammo being scarce, so John chooses to light everything on fire with a torch that’s somehow always lit.

But when he does have ammo, oh boy. John’s got a little thing called “Dead-eye” that allows him to slow down time to rapid-fire multiple targets with perfect accuracy. It’s very, very overpowered. There’s a reason it got nerfed in the sequel.

Overall, John is irreplaceable. I know I might be selling him short by positioning him as the group therapist, but as long as the zombies don’t pull the infamously frustrating “headless glitch,” John can do much more than hold his own. 

5. Sunset Overdrive Guy (Sunset Overdrive … duh)

You wanna know what’s scarier than zombies? What’s worse than a mass apocalypse? What has more nightmare fuel than – wait. Did I already do this joke? Dammit, I totally did.

Okay, let’s not beat around the bush. The story in Sunset Overdrive is a hot load of dookie. I talked about it in my extremely old and terrible review that I will NOT leave a link to because I do NOT need anybody to read it, but even my underdeveloped critic skills could pick up how very not good it was.

Part of the reason the story is so bad is because of the main character, who isn’t a character. You can choose their gender, body type and outfit, which strips them of any direct personality.

But that’s not why they suck. Sure, not having a canon gender isn’t helpful, but you could still make the main guy endearing by making the right decisions.

They didn’t.

This pick is entirely tactical. The little personality this guy does have consists of annoying references and fourth wall-breaks (both of which are very, very funny, let me tell you), so there really isn’t a reason to pick them.

This guy can move. From acrobatics like rail grinding and wall running to attacks like an overhead melee ground slam and a multipurpose dodge.

The zombies (or OD as they’re called) really don’t serve any threat, it’s much more about killing them as efficiently as possible in the most stylish and over-the-top manner imaginable.

Like the rest of this team, this no-named hero has a crazy artillery. I named a bunch of weapons for the rest of the members, but here there are really too many to count. They’re all equally powerful, badass and insanely goofy.

I wish I had more to say here, but I don’t. In terms of pure zombie-slaying skill, they blow the rest of the team out of the water. For everything else, though? Well, you might want to grab a pair of earplugs.

And THAT is my list. Are there some I forgot to add? Probably. I don’t doubt that I won’t be able to sleep for the next month because I forgot, like, Chuck Greene from Dead Rising 2 or something, but I think this team will have no trouble with protecting me from the horrors of zombification.

Could you imagine being a zombie? Doing the same mindless thing over and over again with the promise of something greater in the end? How horrifying. 

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have high school to return to.