By: Elai Kobayashi-Solomon
Opinion Editor

As a proud and loyal American, I was incredibly disappointed when I discovered that I had missed the chance to join my patriotic companions last Friday in one of the most historic, memorable events in United States history.

In case some of you fanatical, left-wing commies were too busy discussing climate change, let me give you a quick debriefing of what our noble mission was.

On May 16th, homophobic, gun-owning patriots from across the country gathered in Washington D.C. to initiate a plan to save the poor, suffering citizens of America. They called it “Operation American Spring.”

The name, of course, was a play on words with the Arab Spring, a Middle Eastern movement that has gained widespread attention and criticism over the past decade. In the Arab Spring, citizens in countries such as Tunisia and Egypt rallied together to overthrow their tyrannical and dictatorial governments.

This is exactly what “Operation American Spring” was attempting. Instead of meddling with some weird, foreign country, our noble mission was to overthrow the American government.

The man who devised this daring plan was Harry Riley, a retired Army Colonel. Over the years, Riley realized the United States has been slowly shifting away from a true democracy into, as he said on operationamericanspring.org, a nation ruled by “despotic and tyrannical federal leadership.”

Riley knew that something had to change and that it had to change fast. And after a few seconds of deep and critical thinking, he came up with an ingenious solution: if you don’t like the American government, why don’t you just overthrow it?

This was the start of “Operation American Spring.”

But bringing down the American government was going to be a massive job that Riley knew he couldn’t accomplish alone. So he spent months planning and gathering support for his cause by making a website and talking on right-wing radio shows like Patriot Nation.

Riley and his supporters had one simple demand, one that was outlined with various spelling and grammar mistakes on operationamericanspring.org.

He gave a list of seven devil-worshipping communists who rule our government and must be forcibly removed from power: Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Harry Reid, Mitch McConnell, John Boehner, Nancy Pelosi and Eric Holder.

However, it seemed slightly improbable that the President of the United States would resign and leave the country because some old guys from Texas held up signs.

But Riley had that covered. According to him, “Operation American Spring” would involve more than a couple people. A lot more.

In fact, Riley estimated, both on his website and on various radio shows, that the oppressed 10 percent of American society would join him on his epic quest of “tyranny housecleaning.” So if Obama and the liberals tried to ignore or put down this historic overthrowal, they would have to deal with 10 percent of the American population banging on the White House door with torches and pitchforks.

Anticipation grew as the fateful day of “Operation American Spring” approached. Riley started to become more brazen, which was probably the result of ingesting increasingly dangerous amounts of substances, and claimed that Obama would organize drone strikes against the protesters and blow up the Capitol Building in the process.

It is now May 18th, two days after the protests were meant to take place.

Surprisingly, 30 million protesters did not show up to Riley’s March on Washington. Although an official count was never done, many say the number was closer to 100.

Riley blamed the weather (it happened to rain in D.C. last Friday) for the dismal turnout. Maybe the liberals keep a rain-machine next to the cages containing our freedom and liberty.

Obama has not moved back to his homeland of Africa. The Capitol Building still stands. In fact, “Operation American Spring” was a complete and utter failure.

But I hope Riley and his God-fearing, fear mongering friends try again next year. Because if they do, I’ll certainly go and join them, water gun in hand, and free this nation from the corrupt hands of democracy.