Taking the bus only for the strong

By Elai Kobayashi-Solomon
Opinion Editor
The start of the school year is approaching like a ballistic missile of stress and boredom, and with it comes one of the biggest, most difficult challenges that incoming freshmen will ever have to face during their time at Prospect.
I’m not talking about the everyday, meaningless occurrences of many freshman losing countless hours of sleep and the little dignity that they have over. Not the, “What if I can’t remember my locker combination even though I was given a slip of paper that clearly states what the combo is in case I forget it?” or, “What if I get lost and can’t find my classroom even though the building is a square and all the rooms have beautifully aesthetic room numbers that also conveniently ascend in numerical order so that you know exactly where you are at all times?” kind of problems.
I’m referring to the grandpappy of them all; the head honcho, the Chuck Norris of challenges during high school, one that reduces even the toughest teens into a bumbling, confused pile of tears. I am talking about the one and only Bus Ride.
I’m here today to relay upon you my darkest secrets, secrets about the Bus Ride that I have acquired with incredible expense to my body and soul. Unfortunately, as a freshman, I did not have an enlightened, experienced and deceptively handsome guide such as myself, and I am still scarred by the horrific memories. So feel honored and take these pieces of advice to heart. They may be your only chance of surviving your high school years physically and mentally intact.
1. Especially for the first couple of weeks, make sure to wait at your bus stop at least 4-5 hours before the bus is supposed to arrive. The school attempts to weed out the strong, dedicated students from the lazy, unmotivated ones by, on random days throughout the year, having the buses make their rounds at roughly 2:50 AM. Make sure to make a good impression to be one of the only student to make these buses; the teachers will love you.
2. It is crucial to make a good impression on your fellow bus mates. During your first or second week on the bus, preferably in the morning when everyone is groggy, exhausted and hating themselves for checking Facebook until 3:00 AM last night, jump up, shout your name and give a short story about your life. Follow up by displaying a special skill, such as burping at will or being able to do a handstand to insure that you become extra popular.
3. Although this is not widely known, it turns out that the Transformer movies were actually a true story based on the Prospect High School buses. So don’t be surprised if your bus suddenly sprouts arms, stands upright, and engages in an epic showdown with a Hersey bus. Close your eyes and hope for the best.
4. Contrary to popular belief, it pretty much is the end of the world if you miss your bus. If you miss your bus, you will have to walk to school. If you have to walk to school, your legs will get tired and you will have to sit down. If you sit down, you will lose all motivation to continue your high school education. If you lose all motivation to continue your high school education, you will move to Canada and drink milk from bags. Don’t move to Canada and drink milk from bags.
5. It’s just a friggin bus ride. You would probably be better off worrying about whether your mother will suddenly turn into a windowpane and fly to Madagascar. Just make sure you know what time your bus comes around and you literally have nothing else to worry about; just pick a spot, sit, talk if you want to and get off. But watch out for the drug lord turned bus driver, of course.