Stuff Sue Says

By Kiley Walsh
Opinions Editor
On every DVD menu, for every DVD ever, there should be a “Stuff Sue Says” Commentary option.  Really.  
For instance, take the 1999 action thriller the Matrix, one of my all time favorite movies. No matter how hard I tried to focus on the movie and absorb the dialogue and analyze the production, I didn’t stand a chance against Sue’s Commentary from the spot on the couch right next to me. 
During the famous scene where Morpheus offers Neo two options: the blue pill: “you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe”, or the red pill: “and I show you how far the rabbit hole goes”, Sue interjects, motherly as ever: “Neither. Never take pills from strangers”.   
If this were Sue’s Matrix, the movie ends there, 25 minutes in, Neo politely declining, No thank you, Morpheus my friend, but Mother always told me never to accept strange pills from strange men. Ta ta for now” And roll the credits.  
Only Sue could confound Plato’s cave-enlightenment philosophy.  
Sure, the film’s no blockbuster, but Sue’s version, after all, is a lesson for everyone.   
And an important one. For all those misguided teens across America, gobbling up poisoned Tylenol from their friends out of Ziploc bags, chasing white rabbits like drugged out looney toons.  
If Neo picks neither, sure he misses out on his destiny, on fulfilling his fate as humanity’s savior, but more importantly he doesn’t risk eating tainted pills.  
Alright, I’m teasing my Mom here, obviously. I think she’s dead wrong and the movie would suck if they suddenly took her direction, but what she says– even her most annoying commentary–is hilarious. Watching movies with those you love, especially your parents and super talkative friends, can be straight up annoying, but there is always, always value in it.
Yet, I would recommend watching the Matrix at least once alone, and focused, maybe in the basement with headphones in and the lights off. But I will never forget, or regret, watching movies with my mother. It may not be the experience the director intended, but it’s a hilarious experience I never forget. Look out for a Stuff Sue Says commentary option coming to menus near you. Till then, I’ll be in the basement watching movies by myself, poppin pills and popcorn all the way.