By Chris Kivlahan
Staff Writer
I’m Chris, and I don’t care for most things. This may come off as pessimistic, but think about it for a moment. Between global warming, corrupt politicians and hangnails, there’s a lot in this world to hate. And I, in an unprecedented (well kind of precedented) show of bitter cynicism, am bringing this rage to the people.
*It’ll actually be as many as I feel like. Get over it.
“Ohmigod, did you hear about Stacy?”
“Ohmigod yes, she is like totally pregnant!”
“Ohmigod I know right? It’s like, totally not Frank’s!”
“Ohmigod you’re right! She is, like, such a slutbagel!”Yes, gossip is a constant part of the High School experience. From whether Julie is actually a man to how many times Jimmy has gotten a girl pregnant (Seven, if you were curious.) And I am here to point out that people are doing it about you. Right now.
You might be thinking that people don’t gossip about you- you’ve never done anything scandalous (Except for that whole Drunken Vegas Polygamy thing, but we all did crazy things for eighth grade graduation). That’s actually not an issue-they just make things up! Before you know it, everybody you know will think that you were caught once sucking the gum off the bottom of cafeteria tables
Yes, gossip is one of those things that you are completely hopeless to stop. However, I have spent hours poring over historical records as well as conducting my own research, and I believe I have found at least a temporary reprieve from only the most extreme scandals.
You need only give the people something true to talk about, concerning you. Choose a lower-level scandal (consult the chart, Figure A), and make sure you are caught in doing it. This will effectively overshadow the previous rumor, and will allow you to live a peaceful life, albeit without many friends.
Gossip is a plague that, for far too long, has spread through Prospect High School completely unhindered. It is your duty, dear reader, to bring this era of pointless rumors to an end. Pick someone at Prospect who gossips like a soccer mom at a KKK meeting. Make up an entirely untrue, but incredibly extreme rumour about them (some ideas below, post your own in the comments!(Or else.)). Then spread it like your life depends on it (pretend you’re in a Saw III-esque game in which, unless you spread this very rumor, a herd of epileptic chipmunks will eat your face).
Ideas for Fake rumors
Hopefully, this will show these people how hurtful it is to have rumors spread about them. Okay, so there is no chance of that happening. But it will give everybody else something to chuckle about, and make you just a little bit cooler. And, of course, distract from your own tier-3 secret (Don’t worry Ho-Bag, your secret’s safe with me).
1. In a polygamous relationship with 12-16 rat people
2. Born without a face, then assembled from one of their fallen enemies
3. Is cheating on their wife/sister with their Mom/Grandma, while their Aunt/Uncle watches
4. Spends weekends being spit on by Mormon extremists
5. Has been the one hiding electricity from the Amish for all these years
As Abraham Lincoln once said, “I hate gossip, gossipers, and this damn hat. Gossip caused the Great Depression of 1997, and now I need to stop it. Now load the cargo deck and fire the launchers; the moon is calling!” (He said something like that at least. History’s not really my thing).
