I’m Chris, and I don’t care for most things. This may come off as pessimistic, but think about it for a moment. Between global warming, corrupt politicians and hangnails, there’s a lot in this world to hate. And I, in an unprecedented (well kind of precedented) show of bitter cynicism, am bringing this rage to the people.

    *It’ll actually be as many as I feel like. Get over it.

You know what sucks? Killer clowns from outer space (Not the film, the very real threat (Sure, you laugh now, but you’ll be begging for a spot in my clown bunker) the film is great – a pillar of modern cinema, paling only in comparison to this.)

    You know what else sucks? Pep rallies. The mandatory kind. Now, I’m not saying I don’t enjoy watching teenage boys gawk at the the cheerleaders kicking as high as they can, but call me old-fashioned because I miss the good old days, when only the dedicated perverts took the time to show up (and me, of course, but I was, uhhh…. just there to, uhhh………  support all of Prospect’s amazing athletes. That’s right.)

Now, apparently the administration has decided that there are better ways to fill an assembly than staring at cheerleaders (I know, I was surprised too!). So they decided to assemble a veritable torturers apron (You read it right-that metaphor made no sense at all. Lets just move on.) of inane activities to fill the time. If I weren’t so busy at the assemblies staring at the cheerleaders award-winning athletes, I would make some funny observations about them.

Normally, I’m a model citizen- I only scream at children on my own property, I preemptively throw away anything I see people carrying so it doesn’t become litter, and I try not to make a habit of bank-robbing (There was that one time, but I’m only human.) However, in this specific case I feel strongly that it is your right to ditch one of these forced pep assemblies. So, without further ado, here is your comprehensive guide to ditching a pep assembly.
How to escape a pep rally
By Dr. Chris Kivlahan
Nobody likes these things, and now the Prospector is bringing you some information you can use to improve your high school experience. Just follow these easy steps.

1. Prepare to break the rules, and acknowledge the fact this may be a slippery slope (Today the pep assembly, tomorrow jail.)

2. Find a door

3. Push or pull open the door, depending on the posted instructions

4. Only after opening the door, exit the building through it (If you find yourself in a closet, look for a new door)

5. Run (away from the building)

6. Go get ice cream

7. Reach over your shoulder (Not too far! Deltiod over-extension is the leading cause of pep-assembly-escape-related injury). As soon as your hand makes contact, pat yourself on the back. You just escaped a pep rally!