The Ambiguous Case #1: The Master Procrastinator

By Brian Park
Executive In-depth Editor
Have you ever panicked during school because you did not have a clue of what to do? Or thought and thought but still couldn’t come up with a decision? Hi, I’m Brian and I am here to find the solutions to any instance at school that looks ambiguous, so you know what to do or how to handle a seemingly fuzzy situation. Of course, you shouldn’t solely depend on this, as you are the master of your own fate.
Situation 1: Procrastination- papers
Let’s face it, leaving off homework until the last minute is a problem most students struggle with, especially with History or English papers. Since they require so much time, effort and thought, it is common for students to procrastinate. But do you have what it takes to be a master procrastinator?
You are definitely not a master procrastinator if . . . you don’t start your history paper assigned two months ago until the night before it is due. Doing all of the research, bibliography and citations, and finally finishing writing your paper about the Revolutionary War at 4 a.m. isn’t really a big deal. Your brain might be burning with over exhaustion, but at least you have a couple of hours to sleep without your history paper haunting your mind every waking minute. This is what you would consider an “apprentice”.
You are definitely a master procrastinator if . . . you don’t start your two month paper until THE DAY IT IS DUE. Then,  before your 1st period class starts or during your lunch, go down to the library technology center and reading a couple of books or look up some research websites online, or a combination of both. During the rest of your classes before the your history class, go on your iPhone or whatever fancy touchscreen smartphone you have and type your paper up from what you can remember reading about the Revolutionary War. Just don’t forget to do it under your desk and glance up occasionally so you don’t seem to your teacher that you are plotting a secret plan to destroy the world or something. It will take up some power thumb exercising from tapping on that touch screen like a madman, but it will pay off when you tap out the final words of your paper as the bell rings for the start of history class. Just go up to the teacher when he/she says to turn in papers and ask if you can print yours quickly at a computer lab since you forgot to. Your name might not be Justin Time, but that’s how you get it done.
Situation 2: Try hards
At school, I often hear students saying, “What a try hard!” to other students. But what types of students can be considered to be a try hard?
You are definitely not a try hard if . . . you always manage to finish your homework assigned that day during class. Not even if you manage to get 100% or over on EVERY SINGLE final, test or quiz during the entire school year, sorry to say. It may seem like you are a perfect student and have a great chance of getting into Harvard, but just doesn’t meet the criteria of being a try hard.(hey, that rhymes!)
You are definitely a try hard if . . . you decide to read your all of your school textbooks the first day of class. That way you can also practice being a master procrastinator by working on your essay for English minutes before it is due under your desk while not missing anything. Your teacher might be baffled on how you always get straight A’s, therefore accuse you of cheating, but just explain to her you became this smart after you ate a dead radioactive cockroach found in your toilet. You never know, that teacher might actually do it if he watches too many superhero movies(like spiderman).
Situation 3: Bathroom urgency
There are times when you forget to study for a test once in a while, but what about the times when you forget to go to the bathroom before an important test? Time is running out, but you really have to go!
Definitely hold it and finish the test if . . . your anus feels like it’s about to explode. You’ve got to prioritize, and that test grade is definitely more important than your well being. You might have a little accident slip out here or there, but you can always take care of that as soon as the test ends. If the person next to you asks you about the horrible stench filling up the room, just report him of cheating; take advantage of the situation!
Definitely sprint to the bathroom stall if . . . everyone in the class taking the test with you is staring directly at you because your face looks like facial plastic surgery gone very, very wrong. Right at that moment when the teacher looks at you and screams at the top of her lungs, sprint out of there and don’t come back. If you’re lucky enough, that teacher will file a report and you will be transferred to a different class. At least that test grade won’t count.
If you have something on your mind you are wondering about, just comment below! I will take it into consideration.