82* Angry Thoughts: Thought 5

I’m Chris, and I don’t care for most things. This may come off as pessimistic, but think about it for a moment. Between global warming, corrupt politicians and hangnails, there’s a lot in this world to hate. And I, in an unprecedented (well kind of precedented) show of bitter cynicism, am bringing this rage to the people.

*It’ll actually be as many as I feel like. Get over it.

A-hoy-hoy, dear reader. Before we adjourn to our normally scheduled hate blog, I’d like to make a quick public service announcement. Do you know how friggin hard it is to come up with these? This one was the hardest. But, as soon as I had lost all hope, the angel of baseless rage visited me in a dream during math class, and gave me the idea for the Angry Thought you are about to read. Enjoy, dear reader, before the undead feast on your tender flesh.Bearded and/or mustachioed gentlemen (and ladies, I guess. Whatever rustles your jimmies) chew writing implements. I don’t make the rules, I just bring the stranger ones to your attention (sidebar: you are, right now, breathing mainly through one nostril. Trippy, right?). I for one never give my writing utensils to anyone with more stubble than an hour 17 Jack Bauer.
Nostrils aside, I don’t approve of facial hair. Aside from being a spot-on indicator of whether or not a person’s ancestors owned slaves, it serves absolutely no** purpose.

Furthermore, it obscures the most heroic element of a man’s face – the chin. Have you ever seen a superhero with a beard? No, you haven’t, except for Thor who is sporting a classy as hell teenage-boy-who-doesn’t-know-how-to-shave stubble. Because the chin is the single most courageous part of a man’s face. Check this out.

DAT CHIN! Without even knowing he’s Clark Kent, you know that guy is just mild-mannered enough to fight crime when he’s not busy shaving (which, now that I think about it, probably is a reasonable percentage of his time. Baby-bottom skin like that doesn’t just happen (Unless you use hormone supplements, but those have… side effects (Or so I heard from… a friend))).

In addition to the dangerous potential for villainy, beards also somehow forse their owners to add new, often asinine words or phrases to their vocabulary. Thinks like “Fella”, and “Reeeeeeeeal purdy”.

As dramatic as it may be to stroke your beard while petting a kitten, I implore you, beardsmen and proud moustache owners of the world, shave it. Shave it like there’s no tomorrow. Put down your boomstick (Moustache-ese for shotgun. See? Who says this blog isn’t educational.) and stop watching that Nascar race, and shave it. Oh, and stop kissing your sister (That’s another incest joke. What is this, my fourth?). Nobody wants to see that.

**Except for one notable exception: In high school setting, facial hair is a fantastic tool to protect young men’s virginities.