Wacky News

By Anna Boratyn
Features Editor
Delicious Legumes:
A reported stabbing prompted police in St. Petersburg, Florida to investigate a home.  Inside, 26-year-old Donald Gilley was bleeding from the chest and abdomen on account of multiple stab wounds, inflicted by his 54-year-old, father Donald Wynn.
While Gilley was taken the hospital to undergo emergency surgery, Wynn admitted to having stabbed his son with a folding-blade pocket knife. According to Wynn’s landlord, Ramses Khan, it’s possible that Wynn had an altered state of mind resulting from medication when the stabbing occurred.
Wynn’s excuse for the stabbing? His son had stolen a whole can of lima beans.  
My Take: It’s normal for concerned parents to be passionate about good health and eating vegetables, but there’s really no need for anyone to be so selfish.  However, I might be able to rationalize this crime if it went down over the last Hershey’s bar, or the last piece of blueberry pie.
Not only is it difficult to understand why anyone would want to protect their legumes so fiercely, it’s difficult to understand why anyone would want to steal them, specifically.  Lima beans just aren’t known for their deliciousness. Gilley should head for the cookie jar next time.
Oh, the lengths the allure of lima beans drive us to.  Click here to learn more about the crime.
That iJerk:
Made from Legos and an android smartphone, CubeStorm II holds the new title for fastest solving of the Rubik’s Cube—5.352 seconds.  The robot was designed by David Gilday and Mike Dobson.  Australian Feliks Zemdegs previously set the Guinness World Record for solving the Rubik’s Cube at 5.66 seconds. 
My Take: First they beat us at chess, then at Jeopardy, and now at the Rubik’s cube. These evil robots just won’t stop until they’ve completely dominated our leisure activities. Poor Feliks Zemdegs.  What the CubeStorm II did to him was completely unsportsmanlike. 
Rubik’s Cube isn’t about analyzing and calculating, using your memory chip filled to the brim with algorithms, or about using your pincers to turn the cube superhumanly fast.   Doing that is the equivalent of whipping out your cheat sheet in the middle of finals.  
There is one thing Zemdegs can feel good about, though—with his heart of Lego and wire, CubeStorm II will never feel accomplished about his achievements.  Take that, you cheater.
Hate CubeStorm II too?  Want to watch him anyway?  Click.