Wacky News

By Anna Boratyn
Features Editor


The Story: A new, tiny chameleon has been discovered in Madagascar.  The new species, Brookesia mirca, is just over an inch long,  can fit on a match tip.
Scientists believe that the chameleons are the result of island dwarfism, which results because of limited resources.  Study leader,  Frank Glaw,  believes that studying the chameleons could help scientists understand how something so small evolved.
“The extreme miniaturization of these dwarf reptiles might be accompanied by numerous specializations of the body plan, and this constitutes a field for further research,” Glaw said.
My Take: Let’s first take a moment to appreciate the sheer adorableness and preciousness of this here chameleon.  Isn’t it just darling?  Are you significantly emotionally attached?  Good.  Because we’re going to shove it’s teensy kidneys under a microscope and crank the magnification up to 1000x. 
I hope that after Glaw made that suggestion, someone told him that he was a jerk full of terrible ideas, and causing him to descended into a spiraling self-hatred.
This tiny critter has a future in America.  It’s time for all of the Thumbelina’sArrietty’s,  and cup-cats to step aside.   There’s a new miniature in town.   If someone as irritatingly impish as Arietty can capture so much attention, imagine the fuss that that this creature will generate.
I think I see lolchameleons in our future.

Talk to Chuck

 The Story: In Bratislava, Slovenia, locals have voted online in overwhelming favor for naming a new pedestrian and cycling bridge after icon Chuck Norris. Regional Governor,  Pavol Freso,  said the regional assembly will respect the people’s wishes in approving the bridge’s name.
Chuck Norris is well-known and loved in Slovenia, and is a common character in local jokes.
The landslide win was opposed only by the options, “Maria Theresa,” for an Austro-Hungarian Empress and “Devinska Cycling Bridge” after a local village.  The bridge is to span the Moravia River and cross into Austria.
My Take: I whole-heartedly approve of this celebration of Chuck Norris.
Obviously,Maria Theresa, the only female ruler of the entire Hapsburg Empire, the fighter of two dynastic wars, the stolid strengthener Austria’s military, the proponent of commerce and the expansion of agriculture in Austria Hungary , mother of 16 children and the wearer of  some (no doubt) irritating frilly dresses is nothing when compared to the star of a few martial arts movies in the ’80s.
No, but really.  I think the Slovenians have a valid point here.   Why, instead of Champion Drive, can’t we have a Chuck Norris Boulevard?  Everyone would be at slightly happier knowing that their tardy can be ascribed to a jam on Chuck Avenue.   Heck, why stop at the Norris Street?  We could do with a Jackie Chan Gymnasium, or an Antonio Banderas Auditorium.  Old Spice Man Field House?  ‘Nuff said.
Sure, Norris is overrated.  But now we can cross Chuck Norris whenever we feel like it .